Your Ambition and The Hyper-vigilance Under It
taro ohtani
Hyper-vigilance, a term I had never put a name to until therapy, is when you're always on high alert – both body and mind in perpetual motion. It’s exhausting, but for me, it's been a hidden driver, pushing me beyond limits, sometimes without even realizing why.
My first real confrontation with this relentless state was during my last year of high school, amidst the pressures of a dual-enrollment university program (PSEO). The anxiety that gripped me then wasn’t just about tests; it was a taste of something deeper, more persistent.
I used to think I thrived on stress. Being a refugee, having to pick up English, and figuring out an academic world that didn't come with a manual – it all seemed to fuel my determination. And for a while, I wore that resilience like a badge of honor.
The turning point did come from the solitude forced upon us by the pandemic. Those long nature walks, spending reading time surrounded by trees, and reflective journaling in my car as I observed the greenery before me. That was my sanctuary, my therapy before therapy.
This time allowed me to dissect my ambitions, values, and the persona I presented to the world. In those days of reflection, I chose a new direction – away from the path of becoming a doctor, away from the confines of shyness, and into actually embracing my full, unfiltered personality.
With the world on pause, I dove headfirst into social audio (thanks to Clubhouse), continued my journey with therapy, and found comfort in the brackets of Invisalign. I built a community online and pivoted to cybersecurity, feeling like I was on cloud nine.
But then 2022 hit me like a ton of bricks. My life seemed to crumble when I nearly lost someone dear to me. That shook my foundations, leaving me grappling with a sense of surreal disconnection from everything I had been pursuing so fervently.
Rebuilding took time. A year of therapy, content creation (my passion), gym sessions, facing a layoff, NYC’s energy, more therapy, and finally, stepping into a new role. I transitioned from someone who would neglect personal needs for the sake of passion projects to someone who savors a carefully curated nighttime routine.
When I first heard the term "hypervigilance" in a therapy session, it resonated with me on multiple levels, shedding light on so many familiar behaviors and fears.
The hardest part of this journey? Learning to prioritize myself. My mental well-being, my physical health, my emotional equilibrium – they’re all a work in progress, but the strides I’ve made fill me with hope.
It’s hard to think of seemingly selfish acts as self-care or productive. But it really is the foundation. You can only give from a cup that’s full.
My plate still remains full – it’s the way I like it. But now, there's a kindness in how I carry it.
Next up? Mastering the art of podcasting and pilates.
