Unlearning Uncertainty

© ilhanx

The greatest hack I have adopted this past 6 months has been embracing the uncertain. I used to think that failure was the painful part. This was back when I wanted to be a clinician and retire as soon as medicine became mundane, and failing the MCAT or the boards would've meant I self-destruct. I was wrong, uncertainty is the real pain.

From the countless days I wondered what was next, I would’ve done anything to know how this story ends. To know if I will make the right decision or if being a neurologist would turn out to be a mistake. Sitting with yourself and knowing that it can go in any way possible is ugly. The pain is a sting, like back home when a scorpion would find me while anticipating it.

There is no better feeling than knowing 100% where you’re going, who you are, and what you’re willing to do. Anything less than this is troubling, but being 100% uncertain is like death. Your heart hurts but there is no culprit. You’re afraid but there is no danger. It’s an endless cycle.

Until it’s not anymore. One day you wake up and give something else a try. The motivation to try something doesn’t come from knowing, but moreso serves as a distraction. Slow in the beginning, day-day, and it finally clicks. You’re in your zone, accomplishing your goals. Goals you didn’t even know you had, it’s just pure intuition.

The uncertainty fades into the background, but the memory will forever haunt you. I hope I don’t reach that level of uncertainty again. But if I do, then I know something great is coming.

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